Out of the Blue

Some of you recognize this heart nosed girl as my friend, Blue.  Or as my granddaughter fondly and adorably calls her, Blue Blue.  Now, she is a remarkable cat.  Curious, friendly, inquisitive, loving and VERY purposeful.  When she is on a mission, she is on a mission, which includes trying to sneak her companion, Simon's food.  Blue Blue is a food affectionado, much like her mother (that would be me).  Simon on the other hand is not.  He nibbles.   Big problem.  I mix up their home cooked food. To Simon's I add nutricional yeast and just the RIGHT number of crunchy food on top.  Too many or too few and he won't eat.   I put his bowl on the cat stand in the living room.  I carry Blue's food to the bedroom.  Then I return to the living room to stand guard.  Simon will eat some of his food & then jump down from the cat tree.  I then take the bowl add a few more crunchies - just the RIGHT amount.  This goes on for two or three rounds.  You might rightly ask, WHY do I do this.  He is underweight and HAS to eat.  If he was an only cat, no problem.  he could nibble away.  But, he's not.  So, it is what it is.   Blue will more often then not, eat a bit of her food then trot into the living room to see if Simon has abandoned his bowl and I my post.  If so, she will finish off his food and then return to her own (and she is, shall we say, a bit on the curvy side).  Sometimes I HAVE left my post  to do frivolous things, like brush my teeth.  Upon return and catching her eating Simon's food my normal MO is to pretty politely tell her she is NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT SIMON'S FOOD.  Or perhaps, "Blue.  How many times do we have to have this discussion - get down."   It's all pretty civil.

However, the other day I lost it.  I left the living room unguarded and when I walked back in there she was happily eating out of Simon's bowl.  And I lost it.  Just, yes, out of the blue.  I ran towards her yelling, "Get Down, Get Down!"  It was a mean yelling.  An ugly yelling.  One that would scare you.  And when I reached her I swatted her.  Not a hit, but a good swat, and I tossed her down on the ground.   It happened so fast it was as if I didn't even know what was happening.  Or somehow even that it was happening.  Blue actually seemed pretty nonplussed about it all.  But me - I was a wreck.  I felt horrible.  I felt like a BAD BAD person.   What kind of person loses their temper and smacks their cat.  A BAD person.

After I calmed down I realized something.  I could just chalk it up to being a BAD person.  Or I could acknowledge responsibility and first of all apologize to Blue.  Which I did.  I told her that even though she was a little bit of a sneak and even though we had had the no eating Simon's food discussion one million times, she did not deserve to be meanly and scarily yelled at , smacked, or tossed and that I was deeply sorry. 

Upon reflection I realized that I could have just hidden behind I'm a bad person and let it go at that.  Or I could acknowledge that what I did was human.  Not ok, but human.  And I could hold a place of sympathy in my heart for people who do things I find abhorrent.  Hit their kids, their spouses, kick their dogs, tear the wings off of a butterfly, .....hold a place of sympathy and a knowing that I have all of that inside of me.  All of those dark possibilities.  I've been there in my own way.  I've flirted around the edges.  I've jumped in.  Stuffed it down.  To just label it BAD, to judge it that way just lets it get buried.  It becomes a part of our behavior we are afraid of.  Afraid to speak about.  Afraid to acknowledge.  Afraid to look at and if we can't look at it how can we change it.  But, if I let that dirty little secret out, then I can see it and touch it and bring it into the light.  Stop hiding.  Then I can hold a place of compassion for myself and others even in my darkest moments.  Say, 'there but for the grace of god."  And then, out of the blue, recognize that I have choices.  Human choices.  I can say, in a loving way, this is not acceptable behavior.  This is not right action.  This is not how you want to move through the world.  I become more conscious.  More present.  More accountable.  Less judgmental.  I believe that the labeling shuts us down while compassion opens us to accountability.  

I look at this sweet photo of Blue, at her trusting little face, and she makes me want to live up to my best self.  Hold a place in my heart for others to live up to their best selves.  And acknowledge that we are all in this together.  This life, this complicated, mysterious, human life.