I have not felt
able to translate my life into words for some time now. I am feeling my life more like a physical force. Much in the same way as I
feel the elements, the wind and the rain and the endless exclamation and
transformation of the clouds that fill the big big sky up here where I
live. I am in wonder of them every
single day.
I am not always
in wonder of my life. It often gets
buried with layers of what ifs and I don’t wants and I wants and what is this
anyway, this life I am living now in the COUNTRY with my partner and her
father.
I don’t know.
Some days, some hours, minutes and seconds, I grumble
through every waking moment of the day – grumble grumble grumble. About this and
that and life not being the way Carol and I planned it to be. Mexico is not in the cards right
now. So, so to speak, instead of 3
months on and 3 months off, she and I are stuck with one another full
time. I say that lovingly, I truly
do. Although I must admit both of
us have felt otherwise! But
eventually we take a good hard look at ourselves and at one another and make
the best of it and the best is pretty darn good. And sometimes, not so good.
I don’t know how the winds will blow. This point of view is becoming more
refreshing to me. A relief from
always having to figure everything out because well, most of the time trying to
figure out everything ahead of when it is actually happening is just a colossal
waste of time and quite frankly, annoying.
I know that I am falling in love with the COUNTRY. And the five acres I am fortunate, yes,
fortunate enough to live on with a river RIGHT OUT BACK. And I love someone who loves me back which
is pretty sweet even though I believe we both agree that we don’t know where
that will take us or what that
will look like down the road.
I no longer feel comfortable trying to fortune tell the
future. It is out there. I am here. It is what it is.
I say that quite reverently, in the same language I use to describe the
force and energy of the endlessly changing shape shifting clouds that fill the
big big sky up here where I live.
Who knows. Not
me. Amen.
What I love most about this post is the simple admission, "I don’t know how the winds will blow." The truth is, none of us know how the winds will blow. We just like to pretend we do. And sometimes the pretending works for a while. Or even a long while. But if we're human, we always come back to a "refreshing" place of letting go of thinking we know. So thank you for this reminder.
ReplyDeleteAnd also, thanks for the reminder that we just all do our best, grumbling or giggling, we just do our best.
xo