Eating That Apple

I keep a small notebook with me in my purse and jot down thoughts, words, sentences, observations that I may want to explore.  Today I was thinking about attraction.  What attracks us to others.  What catches our eye, stokes the fires.  How do we label ourselves based on these attractions.  What do we admit or not admit about what they might mean. 

And as I followed this trail of thoughts and emotions and about how I might explore them on my blog, I suddenly felt stone cold tongue-tied and all of my thoughts sputtered to a halt when I thought about revealing them in a public venue.  There are aspects of me I have not shared except with those trusted souls who I know will say things like, “really, wow, hmmm, no kidding.  Or even perhaps, boy this brought up some really hard stuff, lets find out why.  All in all, a safe telling.  But in a public space there are those who might be shocked.  Who might disapprove.  Who might change their good opinion of me.   Who might be hurt.  And as I followed this line of thought it became, ahh, well, what I should do is write a separate blog for subjects that might be disturbing, both to protect myself and the readers.  That sounded like a good and plausible solution for a while.  But my heart would not be quiet and kept trying to get in a word.  And finally I let it ask me its question: “what are you protecting yourself and your readers from?”  And the answer was a resounding ME.   I’m protecting us from me.

So, I bravely, and I do mean bravely, decided to blog about that.  About this.  But as I puttered around the kitchen after making this decision I began fudging with, “oh, I don’t have to do anything at all.  I don’t have to write about this.  Or that.  I’ll just let it go. No problem.  But my heart, beat beat, beating away whispered, ‘there’s trouble in paradise.”  So here I am, sending out these words.  Eating that apple in the garden of knowledge.  Snake says eat.  Snake, that much maligned revealer of our nakedness.  And so I write.

So, in a future blog I will continue my exploration of attraction. What attracts us to others.  What catches our eye, stokes the fires.  How do we label ourselves based on these attractions.  What do we admit or not admit about what they might mean.  And I will invite you in.

I can imagine there are those of you who are asking, "what in the H - E double toothpicks is she going to say." I'm not a mass murderer or anything.  But beyond telling you that, you will just have to see.

xo

Suki